running through ideas…

originally written on my personal discord diary server

I have a lot of complicated feelings I want to process. Pain, trauma, grief… I want to use this project to express them – my experiences.
I suffer ptsd attacks – my heart aches when I remember. Being kicked from my home, being left on the streets as I began transitioning; I remember being so afraid. So alone.
I was able to find shelter for two years until I was kicked out again by my then-partner’s parents. We had been together for ten years, him and I. We grew up together; shared so many memories. He was suicidal, impulsive, self-destructive. I loved him and still do. We used to talk about getting married. It hurt to finally say goodbye – but the traumas we had built out together became too much to bare when my sudden panic attacks would stop me from being able to comfort him. Since then, he’s made strides to improve himself and I’m proud.
During this time, we also experimented with polyamorous love. This is how I met my current partner; we still love each other very dearly, but there is so much distance between us.
There are nights that are very difficult; often I’ll be thinking about my parents – and the pain they and I share.

I will never forgive them for what they had done to me and my siblings.
How they gaslit us, neglected us, hurt us. But this isn’t about them.
I want to use this opportunity for me. I want to use this project to help me grieve. More than that however, I want to show you why I would do it all over again – and how I can find happiness despite it all…

Things I might look to for inspiration: Omori, One Missed Call, the missing: jj macfield
y’know
gay stuff